paddle faster i hear baby shark
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
saw this in a dream
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Chicago sounds lovely.