A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.