friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
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I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
The two types of wives
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
We found love in a hopeless place.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”