Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]