Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
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According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Breaking news:
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?