Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.