*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house