*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: