why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*