I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Have a lovely day 😊
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Oh yeah that’s it
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before