Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping