[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Oh my god
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny