“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
You Might Also Like
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.