Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.