Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Why am I like this?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?