ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*