Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.