Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly