Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
asked my bf how work was today
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Hmmmmm
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression