One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”