5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not