No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
c’mon!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”