We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
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I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
it was a valiant fight
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.