Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong