Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!