A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!