i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Only short people can save us
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird