It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*