My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
the three genders
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.