You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You Might Also Like
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze