detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
My current situation
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u