Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.