My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes