If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.