In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.