One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
God has left this place
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Oh the world we live in…