When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.