Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
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Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Just had my nails done!
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way