No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.