*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same