The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s