This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.