My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids