If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
(more comics:
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.