every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
No, he would not have.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.