To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
You Might Also Like
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
craving $300 all of a sudden
Extremely relatable.
how high up are we talkin’?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.