I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
See..?
.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Note to self: I am a note
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher