The Bachelorette… but for cats.
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‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.