can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?