every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!